Popular consensus by men: “Every time my girlfriend seems upset, annoyed, or emotionally distressed, I need to step in to save her”

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Don’t bother her while she’s cleaning the house because she seems pissed and you don’t like that she has a frown on. More often than not, you’ll come off as annoying if you try and force a laugh out of your girlfriend with your 2nd rate humor every single time she seems kind of off.

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The way you view yourself in your relationship will greatly assist you in making the right decisions in the thousands of micro-social interactions that govern the attraction, rapport, and well-being of your relationship. You are not your girlfriend’s sunshine. That’s what she has gay best friends for. You are not a colorful rainbow that lights up her day every single time she sees you. That’s what pets are for. Such over-idealistic metaphors are self-defeating and function instead to turn you into an emotional tampon that would make an abomination of hetero-normativity.

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You are a Rock, an Oak Tree, a mountain, or some sort of dominant physical entity. Your girlfriend will randomly persist to act against all logic from time to time, tell you she hates you, be confused one second and irresolute the next, and otherwise do things that you yourself can’t make sense of. This is normal; they bleed out of their vaginas every month. Imagine how hard it would be for you to hold onto your sanity if your penis randomly started bleeding once every month and you had to shove a tampon inside to save yourself the embarrassment of bleeding out in public.

I’m getting more and more female readers here so I want to emphasize that I hold no prejudice against women. I am fully aware that you have very good reasons to act the way you act and often what seems illogical to a boyfriend makes glaring sense to the girlfriend.

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Back to the guys, you must be immovable but not stubborn. Apologize sparingly, and only when YOU believe that you must absolutely do so. She will respect you much more for it. When she tries to drag you into gossip, you politely excuse yourself and make your way to the nearest window and jump out. She will appreciate you much more for it. Jealousy and fear are intoxicating emotions; you must act without their interference. She will like you much more for it. When she throws things at you, tries to kill you with a tea cozy, or makes a mockery of your family tree, you do not reply in kind. She will love you for it.

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Lastly of course, you must always act without fear of loss. You don’t throw something back at her if she throws something at you, but if what she threw at you was very sharp, then you must be able to walk away.

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